Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.