Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.