Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

i wish we could shoplift online

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?