Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.