Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.