Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

i could never be president. im overqualified.

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out