Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube