Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.