Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.