[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
peep davidson
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers