Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

You are not alone 💚

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

I need a long hot meteor shower

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.