[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
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I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?