Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Grandpa

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.