-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
a god among men
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
