Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”