Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice