Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

You wish you had this many chins.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.