Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard