Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible

Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?

Date: *biting lip* oh yea

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.