When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Its a hippotatomus
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?