[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
$3 #books
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
