Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.