Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about