[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I’m not stressed
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You can’t rush stupid.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.