me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I hate everything
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.