[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac