Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

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[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues