Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

Saturday

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?