Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

Skip intro

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.