Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

me irl

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”