[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no