Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?

My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.

Pat is about to own someone

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Not recommended for beginners.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?