Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Order here:
More here:

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

This bar smells like my childhood.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application