Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
You Might Also Like
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…