Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
You Might Also Like
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this