Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.