Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

KFC hitting the cannibal market

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house