Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

best review i’ve ever seen

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food