Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’re gonna need another temp

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

water it, i dare you

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?