[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*