[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Match dot com, but for socks.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.