Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
