Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow