Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
No. He’s not coming out to play
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan