Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no