Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.