Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny