Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I told my crush I liked them through a Spotify playlist
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately
ME: No way
*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*