@Cycloptomese

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

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@FreudsTwin

Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.

@ClichedOut

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@GroovyTasia

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

@wendchymes

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@texasstalkermom

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@3BlindMike

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

@iamspacegirl

Ranger Station

BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately

ME: No way

*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*