Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

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Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.


her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one


me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin


Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.


ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?


Ranger Station

BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately

ME: No way

*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*