Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Respect

My patience has stretch marks.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know