[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Get in loser we’re going crying
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.