@ericsshadow

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

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@OkieGirl405

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

@ValeeGrrl

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@k_lli

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

@IamJackBoot

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade