Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade