[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.