Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.