Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Yes, this is exactly right

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes