Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.