Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

all that yoga finally paid off

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

prepare for carbonated trouble

Ooh I do like a good funnel