Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

who wants to go expliring

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

love it when they get my name right

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!