Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Still cracks me up

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

doing your own taxes

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.