Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???