Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

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A pool table

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I am never leaving this website

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

where the womens at?

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.