Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Ghost costume 😂

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

(after sex)

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