Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

There are no pants in heaven.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁