Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm