Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.