*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.