[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
You Might Also Like
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
When I laugh on my period
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.