Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

when there are deer in the woods

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?