Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?

“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”

My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one