Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…