Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Perfection.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.