[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
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SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’