Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!