Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

ㅤㅤ

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Was it something I said?

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

incredible text to wake up to

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.