[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
could’ve been anyone
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
