[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I love the National Park Service.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
