Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

checking out some reviews of my local library

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.